To my Family - Mum and my Sister Sam - I thank you both!! I love you both - and without the two of you and the final tough love act from you both I may not have been here today, more importantly not here to do what I am about to do which is LIVE!!!
To you both I am from the bottom of my heart sorry for all the sleepless nights, worry and stress and pain I have ever caused you throughout the years - throughout my stupidity.. Mum sorry I wasn't a better daughter, Sam sorry I wasn't a Big Sister.. I should have inspired you , I should have been a role model, now I can only hope to be that for your girls - the greatest gift of all My Neices..
Thank You, I love you both Mum and Sam.
This life I really am one of the lucky ones..
Driving home on Sunday with mum after spending the weekend with my sister and neices it dawned on me - Holy Shit!! I'm moving to New Zealand in 7 weeks!!! 7 Weeks!!!
For the rest of the hour drive home I was silent..
I was thinking about life - what I had done what I hadn't, what was still to come.. My family. I am going to miss them so much - this much is obvious, but really emotions ran through me wild and heavy I felt sad, I am really going to miss you Mum, Sam, Alexis and Callie - the girls I cant even think about - How much they will grow and change.. It breaks me, Aunty Katta's little Monsters!!! But through all of that I am overwhelmed with positivity, excitement, pride.. This past year has been one of the worst in some ways some of the best - but in the worst ways they could not get any worse and it's been a journey of personal growth, acceptance, encouragement, self admittance..
Everything I was, everything that has happend, good, bad, people, anything in life before right now, when I get on that plane I will leave behind.. I will forget.. I will forgive.. I will find peace.. I will let it go..
Who I am, and what I am here for will be life now.. My reason for being, this life, this world, this moment is and will be exactly what it is supppose to be.. I will finally find who I am and what I am, and with that I will be happy, I will be free. I will live and not just exist. For this I wait with arms wide open..
This life is too short to sit back and wait, if you want something you have to get up do it yourself!!!
This life is too short to sit around and give yourself to people who do not want you - unless you have something they need.
This life is too short to sit back and hate yourself - no one can love you until you love yourself. You can not be forgiven until you forgive yourself.
Your dreams will remain dreams until you get up and do what you need to, to reach them.
It was a hard and long lesson, but self acceptance is the key.. Accept yourself, love yourself, like yourself, BE YOUR FUCKING SELF!!!
I thought turning 30 this year would be scary - that I would feel old - worse - I am old.. But I am not!! I will be Thirty, Flirty and Fucking fabulous!!! I could sit back and reflect and dwell in what I haven't yet done or achieved, or I can welcome it embrace it, Be just that.. 30 Alive and free!!!
Most people at 30 are married, have children, own homes, work jobs they hate, and earn money that keeps them alfoat, this they are happy with, they accept, that is their lives they have chosen.. For me, I have no children, no desire for them, I have no partner, and again no real desire, I have no plan, but to flow naturally where the wind might lead me. My child is my Passport, My partner this planet - my reason for existance - to see, smell, touch, explore every inch of this planet as I can..
It's strange when I reflect on this past year, who where what I was doing this time last year, I was smoking through a crack pipe everyday - But hey don't lecture me I'm fine - I don't have a problem.Maybe I did have a problem, was I ready to fix it - not yet.. I'd moved away from my family to do that, I was lost. I'd given up, I wanted out. I was dead inside, and I'd finally accepted that.. I had no plan on changing that. Actually I wanted to, but the easier option was to just keep doing it until I was dead.. Really dead.. It was only a matter of time..
Denial is the real killer here - if you don't believe you have a problem you can not fix the problem. You can not help someone who does not want to help themselves!!
I thought I was hiding it - from my family - my friends - at work - Most of the time I was, but not always, and when busted I would lie - I'd be angry - I'd be defensive - I was self destructive..
I wasn't hurting myself, because I was numb - I was dead inside - I felt nothing. But I was hurting.. I was hurting the people who loved me most, who I despite my bad doings Loved the most... Eventually they hurt me back, that's when I felt something, that's when I admitted I was sick, I was in trouble, I was something I denied being for so long, it was then when they rightfully hurt me back that I said - Ok help me. I need help. I am a drug addict. I am lost. I want to stop!!! . I could do and did it on my own. My motivation? Pain. Loss. Fear. My Neices.. My love for them, for my mum, my sister was enough, and their love for me.. It was hard, it was painful, it was a long and still now there are days I suffer, could at any time turn back to what I was, but I won't, I don't want to, and I have something to live for now. Myself. I am worth it. I deserve life.
For every action there is a reaction.
Right here, that ghost that simply floated through life simply existing is gone. Born is the Free Spirit who will live. Breathe. Embrace Life..
Here and now I am Alive. I am Living.
Love K.
No comments:
Post a Comment