Reality and it's rocky head fucks!!

Well finally the day has arrived that Danii lands in Australia!! I wont' be seeing her still for a few weeks yet - plans changed :-( 

I am so devestated by this - but I completely understand!! And yet even though we won't yet be catching up and starting our huge adventures - still the fact that she is here is yet another blow of reality and just how close the day is... 

I am excited - I am happy - I am ready - not ready - I am anxious - I am afraid - I am sad - I am scared - I am over fucking whelmed!!

I purchased my luggage last weekend and on the arrival home with my stylish bright new bags- Home - carriers of my life - I was washed with emotion.. And when I opened them with intention of filling them, inside I instantly filled up with panic - and at the same time became blank.. Shut off.. 

What do I fill it with?

Where do I begin? I know I constantly post about this trip and probably sound as though I am on repeat but in my almost 30 years this is the absolute most biggest thing I have done, and when I think about what it is I am actually doing I have no idea how to handle it.. 

Is this the right thing to do - YES! Am I excited - YES! So then what's my issue? 

Fear..

The unknown.. 

Fear of failing.. What if I cant' find work - what of Danii decides to hate me after a while - what if things don't work and I gotta go home - would that be failing?

I need to shake this shit off!!!

I need to face head to head this fear and know that it is the best thing I will do - know that it is going to be fucking amazing and I must have faith in myself or else this will not work... If something scares you isn't that proof enough you MUST do it!!! That the fear in the end will be the reason it will all be worth it.. 

Danii will be reading this hopefully lauhging thinking I am such a dick..? LOL Love you Danii!!!

I think I am just thrown off and sad that I won't be seeing Danii today - but I am so super excited for her as she will be seeing her family and her knew little baby neice Alexis - for that I am so happy for her and can handle waiting a few more weeks..

I think also my emotion comes from how fast this time has actually creeped up on us all - as I was shopping for my luggage last weekend I was with my mum - and once I decided what I wanted and we were headed back to the car, mum started crying - happy crying - now I am crying LOL - as she realized - her reality sunk in - I am actually doing this I am leaving - for a year.. I've never been away and so far from my family before and for so long.. They lived in Roxby for years while I was in Adelaide, but it was like around the corner and they always came to Adelaide and I there all through the year - but this time nothing for so long, and I will hardly speak with them unless on skype and between my living life in another country having adventure and working skype will be few and far between...

So having the reality of it all being real and it sinking in for mum I guess my emotions are on high alert..

I've always been bad with goodbyes so come my farewell and the actual week of departure - Danii I warn you now, you will hate me!! Hahahahahahahha 

My bags are sitting in my room with this and that filling them up and every time I go in there and attempt the thought of doing what I need to I turn around and walk straight back out.. I can't handle it.. where do I start, what's important to take - keep - toss - store at mums ect... Arrrggghhhhh..

I choke up crave air...

If you take out the Easter long wkend - I have like 2 weeks left at work - what the actual fuck! that's not alot of money and I haven't saved shit - I guess this also extends to the emotions and panic.. 

I've organised a farewell for April 11th and all the people I love will be there - this isn't that long away either - I am so excited for everyone to be around having drinks laughing and enjoying the company of those I love the most... Bring on the party I say - perhapes that's what I need - a fun big drunken night - yes it's exactly what I need actually!! It's been so long since i got messy drunk and danced my ass off and just had a good fucking night, so that's just exactly what I need!!!

BRING IT ON!!!

I am also excited the past few weeks Danii has made herself some new friends and an extremly active and exciting social life I love hearing about so I am so excited to get HOME with her and meet everyone and have a good bloody time!! 

I'm being silly really like anything good that happens or is about to happen to me I ruin it with over thinking kill and destroy any chance I ever had in the first place!! I need to take a breath, sit back relax and enjoy what is about to be the best thing I ever did!!!

Once again Danii I thank you for allowing me to invade your life - your home and your family to make these adventures happen and the crazy memories we will make - I can not wait to get on the road with you and explore New Zealand and the rest of the world over the comiong months and years - that's right woman your stuck with me and year by year we will be tearing apart this world :-) 

Well that's my repeated sook for today - feeling a little better but still wanting to explode with emotion over load on the inside!!

Danii enjoy your travels today beautiful and catch up on last nights lost sleep due to 50 Shades of Greg.. LMAO 

Next time we speak we will be in the same country!!!

Enjoy the trip to Roxby and the family and I will see you soon and speak with you sooner!!

Until Later Much Love K